Saturday, 10 February 2007

The "Brazilian" or "Landing Strip"

Ah, the female form...

The curve where the arm meets the shoulder, then bulges elegantly to become the breast. The waist tapering like sinuously lathed carpentry. The thighs flaring to bracket the inside of the thighs and groin which form a perfect "V"...

Oh.

Well done, you just bollocksed up that part of nature's perfect geometry. It doesn't look good. I understand a trim of the "bikini line", since displaying pubes at the beach is somewhat out of the question in Western society, but to go and shave or wax the damn thing into a freaking little strip looks bloody stupid.

Firstly, it's not flattering. It makes your hips look fat. Not wide, which is great, nice wide hips are fantastic on a lady, but fat.

Secondly, unless you're paying a few thousand for cutting-edge depilatory treatments, shaving in such an environment invariably leads to prickly stubble after one day, and then horribly engorged pustules when the sharp little hair stumps inevitably become ingrown.

Thirdly. Now, I can understand the desire for a smooth pudendum and the manifold advantages it confers. If nature had not put hair there, I'd have no problem at all. Don't get me wrong, I love the female body in its entirety. I'm not even slightly revolted by the innermost parts, the labia minora, the pink orchid, the the love oyster, the spam butterfly, the axe-wound, the gash. Sometimes, a (complete) wax is not a terrible thing at all, if your yoni is of the neat and compact dainty-slot variety. However, one only has to browse the net's infinite magnitude of lousy nudie pics to realise that when most adult women go bald, it looks like a mangled squid first heavily bruised the area before half-heartedly half-settling in there to die with the tentacles hanging out. This is really not a turn-off, per sé, because I have only the happiest of happy feelings about vulvae in all their delightfully various manifestations, but it's total visual distraction from the overall shapeliness of the female body.

Fourthly, spending inordinate amounts of time fussing about the cosmetic maintenance of your genitalia makes an unfortunate statement about your priorities in life.

And I don't really care if you go in for this kind of thing, but these days, finding relatively normal-looking women in porn WITHOUT Brazilian waxes or completely bald gashes is nigh on impossible, unless you browse certain slightly horrifying specialist sites, where the unifying factor amongst the models is not so much their 70s-style Bermuda triangle, but their utter hideousness. Also, I'm not into "hairy" women. I'm 100% behind completely natural hair growth, maybe a trim, on normally-furred ladies. If you have legs like a Scotsman or a chocolatey upper lip like a pubescent R&B sensation, well, no thanks, Ms Sasquatch.

For now, I'll stick with my vintage Playboy girls. Fashion be damned.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

a person this opinionated needs to be by themselves, for quite a while.

Anonymous said...

man, you need to watch some japanese porn...

Anonymous said...

i say "hear, hear!" :D

Karmic said...

I'm not even going to speak about how disgusting are the males in nowadays porn. I stopped watching THAT years ago.