Saturday, 10 February 2007


You know, one of the little things I fear in life is meeting some girl who's lovely in almost every way, proposing to her, and then finding out the hard way she expects a diamond ring. And some ghastly showboat wedding, but I've already done a post on how much I detest those.

Jewellery is worthless.

Let me repeat that and let it sink in: jewellery is worthless. You can't sell it, because you will never, ever fetch a cent of what you paid for it.

Diamonds are carbon crystals. The De Beers cartel, one of the world's nastier companies (you know, slavery, child labour, corrupting states, involvement in land seizure...) has created a false value through marketing. They CREATED the phrase "diamonds are forever". Diamonds, as it happens, have only been "forever" for about sixty years, thinks to a bravura move on their part some decades back to renew demand for the pieces of hardened compost when their value was dropping.

The diamond engagement ring as it is known today is an invention of an advertising company, and it's testimony to the programmabilty of the human race that an otherwise rational adult woman can still get completely beside herself with excitement when her moronic suitor blows three paycheques on a symbol that in the greater scheme of things has all the lasting cultural importance, timelessness and meaning of the ORLY owl.

And gold? It's UGLY. Tacky. Without other colours to set it off (see: ancient Egypt) it just looks like piss-coloured stainless steel, which is in some ways probably a better symbol of marital endurance than gold, being harder, more practical and composed of elements that depend on each other for their most valued attribute.

Also, if you like the way it looks, there's costume jewellery, which at its best is frankly indistinguishable and costs a pittance in comparison, allowing a wider range of aesthetic choices to match your wardrobe or mood. Yet you've all been duped into believing it's "tacky" in comparison to, say, I don't know, conspicuously flaunting your wealth with shiny baubles.

Ladies, gentlemen: sell your grandmother's diamond ring. She and her programmed drone were sheep and it's a monument to their stupidity. The diamonds were produced by slave, child and/or prison labour, the gold is very probably from apartheid-era mines. Better yet, destroy it.

Diamonds burn, gold melts, but intellectual integrity is forever.

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