Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Hair-Shirt Hamburgers

It's interesting how the laws of form and function do not apply to gourmet food. Gourmet hamburgers, in their attempt to appear to be a kind of handheld cornucopia, are almost impossible to eat with your hands. So much produce spills out of them while you eat that you need a knife and fork to clear your plate. The worst part, however, is the near insistence on the use of hard, crusty rolls.

Crusty rolls are the product of a mentality that regards food as better the more physically punishing it is to consume. Hearty chunks of fibre stuck inextricably in your teeth, gums abraded near to bleeding by the carborundum crust, flour all over your face and clothes, and filling squeezed out the back due to the rigidity of the fucking thing. Texture is fine and dandy, but sandwich something soft between two crackers and see if it stays there when you bite into the little bellows you've just created. And it's nearly impossible to tear puffy wholewheat rolls apart without a grimacing, messy gymnastics routine.

Also, whoever gave trendy eateries the suggestion that it was a good idea to replace lettuce with rocket deserves a herbal enema administered with a fucking firehose, although I suspect they'd enjoy that. When the garmish overpowers the flavour of the patty and sauce, your hamburger has failed.

4 comments:

groundwork said...

What coruscating writing!

Happened on your blog clicking on a comment somewhere, and just read it all in one go now. Hope there's more to come...

Stace said...

I also clicked on a comment to be sucked into, and overpowered by, your blog. I usually read a random blog to overstimulate my disgust gland. However, I find myself in awkward agreement, even being persuaded. Keep going.

The Kid said...

Back into the blogging world for the first time in over a year, after being part of it for 10. Stumbled on your blog and am now a happy subscriber!

Excellent.

Friko said...

Why on earth would you even write about hamburgers, the crappiest American food to have crossed the pond?

Came by via 'Next Blog'